Change is not always the answer.
We are often our own worst enemies because we refuse to accept ourselves. We believe that being something else, or someone else's preference, is where our true happiness lies. This is how I feel when one of my core personality traits causes me to be hurt. For example, I enjoy making people feel special and going out of my way to prioritize them. Over the years, this has brought me many friends wherever I go. The groups I make and the people I meet make me feel at home, despite the fact that I am living abroad. I can let my hair down, tell jokes, laugh without a care in the world, and sometimes cry my heart out to them. I have a strong, healthy, and peaceful bond with these people.
This same ability, however, has caused me a great deal of heartache, a loss of mental peace, and a lack of attention to my life and needs. When I'm in pain, I tend to forget everything good that has come from my ability to make people feel cherished. I question every choice I make now and in the past because I become so self-critical and judgmental of my own behavior. I get paralyzed to the point where I resemble a human vegetable.
I'm like the plant that gave until its leaves dried up because it didn't know when to quit.
I've wondered if becoming completely apathetic is the solution to my behavior. I'd be lying if I said I didn't try it. It was fun for a while, and I felt like I had a lot of time and energy before the problems became apparent. It started with too many nights of binge watching Netflix or YouTube and sleeping at 3 a.m., or binge reading a new fantasy novel and embodying the character in my head. I purposefully avoided saying more than two words to my roommates because I didn't want to be a part of a conversation. I didn't feel like calling my family or friends. I was also a ticking time bomb, and my heart was torn between wanting to care and not caring. I began to struggle to get out of bed. It felt pointless. It also made me angry for wanting, or rather, needing, people.
One benefit of this period, in my opinion, is that I now find solitude more manageable. I also have developed a great taste in music and can lose myself in it for hours. I've written and painted a lot. I've improved as an engineer; I've read books on psychology, developed my love of writing, and listened to a lot of poetry. Great books and podcasts have caught my attention. I'm a huge fan of instrumental music and quiet spaces. My family gave me an excellent pair of headphones, which quickly became my relaxation buddy. I came across a side of myself that emerges when there are no people around.
Would I do it again?
Read on to find out...
My friend and I were discussing how everyone tries to be like everyone else and frequently trades their warmth and kindness for an icy cold exterior, causing people to miss the fact that being one's true self necessitates accepting one's flaws and working to overcome them, which is much more sustainable and conducive to growth.
We discussed the advantages and disadvantages of altering one's core personality, problems with suppressing emotions, reinventing one's identity, and establishing boundaries.It was exciting to realize that emotional mastery was a gradual process and that perhaps all I needed to do was accept that making poor choices was a learning opportunity and that putting my trust in the wrong people was a lesson, eventually creating a nicer version of myself towards myself. Similar to how stimuli make you aware of how uncomfortable it is to touch a hot pan, understanding that life was meant to be lived and experienced helps you become more robust and perceptive of people and things. I believe the first lesson is extremely difficult because it teaches you to prepare, whereas the second lesson tests you, shows you the gaps, and gives you constructive feedback to improve your future self. It is like the leave-one out cross-validation process (It is a machine learning process, which I will link in the description if you want to know more). Perhaps this is why the majority of parents want a second child to correct the errors made in the first (JK!).
So, this is what I have decided to do. We all know that for a plant to thrive, the sun's rays must dance on its leaves, much as you and I need some wonderful people to dance with us as we travel through this life. In light of this, I decide not to push people to stay and, instead, to make letting go an act of selfless love toward both myself and the other person, making caring for people easier without my amygdala being hijacked.
Have I mastered my emotions since I discovered this? No, I haven't. I'm still a beautiful work in progress, growing as I learn. I'm still trying to find my own sense of balance. I still have my days of isolation and days when I give too much, but I am more understanding of these occurrences because I have the hope that there is a bright sun ready to warm my heart and bones after every cold, cloudy, moonless night.
This is my take on life as I navigate the complex and conflicting feelings of love, loss, heartbreak, longing, joy, trust, and exhilaration. I appreciate that I am still alive.